Benji ends Coffee Talk at 6:46 AM

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Goodbye

When I first saw him, he looks really depress, no smile on his face. Trying to speak but he knows he's not able to because he's on tracheostomy tube. From his gestures, I tried to figure out what he wants but sometimes I failed to. That made him real furious, while I find it hilarious at times. =)

Then as days passed by and I came to know him even better, the fact is, he's a very demanding gong gong, wanting everything done his way, his time, his method. He doesn't even give you that 5 minutes which you requested, he'll just start trying to get things done himself. He presses the call bell every 3-5 seconds after you finished attending to him, asking for sponging when we've already done so for 2-3 times per shift. Guess his memory is failing and that explains why. ding dong and there goes again. Sit on the chair, he'll try to voice out.

Sometimes it really gets on my nerves. Explaining to him that we've sponged him for umpteem times per shift already, yet he still insists on sponging him. I always made a pact with him, alright, 7 ok? Now it's only 5.30. We serve you dinner first then sponge you and I'll point at the clock which is always on the cardiac table in front of him. Minutes later, he'll press again and ask for sponging. Have you forgotten what you promised me? To sponge only at 7. Sometimes, I'll even try to bluff him. We had just sponged you, you forgot already ah. Surprisingly, he'll say NO! hahaha. He used to be labelled as "the irritating gong gong", the "call bell gong gong". I even scolded him once, showing tantrum to him. You're not the only patient we're attending to, we don't have so much time to keep attending to you every seconds. Can you try to understand? That's what I once said to him. I really dislike him then.

Till that day when I came to work and heard that he tried to commit suicide by jumping down the bed. I was shocked. Though knowing he's on suicide caution, he always appears normal, no suicidal thoughts detected. My heart aches when I saw the wounds all over his body, his head, his shoulder, both upper and lower limbs. I kinda pitied him and regretted treating him the way I did before, so I told myself I must treat him even better than before and be more understanding because he couldn't be even better.

From that day onwards, he became my very very good and special gong gong. Slowly, I began to understand all his gestures. I tried to make him laugh because he always pulls a long face. He always praise me in front of the students, his relatives, saying I'm very nice, I'm his good friend. When the students wanted to change his diapers, he asked for me and only wants me to attend to him. I was very touched when I know I have a place in his heart. That day, I asked him, " how many children do you have?" In the evening when his daughter came, he introduced them to me. He's really cute

Seeing his condition progressing, it really warms my heart, he once needs rouse tube but now he doesn't need one and can even take food orally. He was so excited and kept asking me for oats. I still didn't know that the Drs had actually told him that he could take food orally then and was quite surprised and unsure. Is he lying to me? So I went to look at the treatment plan and was really glad to know this news. Just yesterday, vincent was passing central report and he was saying happily, good news good news, he's now on trachy mask and may be able to be transferred to orange valley nursing home. The good news came and ended fast. It all happened yesterday, including the bad news.

I was late for work this morning. To my surprise, it was only 7.15am yet I already saw his daughter standing at the corridor. However, it still didn't occur to me that anything had happened to him because I never ever thought of it to happen to him before. As I was serving my medications halfway, I saw quite a lot of his relatives walking pass. So, I asked my colleauge what happened to him. He passed away. That short reply kept me silent for a moment, and I started crying. My colleagues find me foolish, saying why are you crying? you'll face more of this in future, you have to get over it, he has suffered enough, time to let him go. Flashbacks of the past when I was still assigned to that cubicle kept resurfacing in my mind. That last Christmas, he gave everyone a christmas present. For CNY, he gave all of us 1 ang bao. I also gave him mandarin oranges on CNY eve. I really couldn't accept this fact. He was still so alert yesterday. I thought my colleague was joking with me. It's really hard not letting this news affect my work performance. I couldn't stop thinking and thinking. After serving the medications halfway, I saw the porter came to collect his body, I put down everything and quickly walked over to see him for the last time.

I was glad that I work am shift today because I still get to see him for the last time. But my greatest regrets is not being able to hear his voice for the last time, seeing his eyes opened and looking at me.